Waiting for the handicapped toilet - here are a few things that have happened to us over the years that I think are remarkable. 

The stall door swings open and a young, very beautiful black woman steps out of the stall, moves past the wheelchair and pushes her body into me with her finger pressing into my chest, as she says threateningly, “Who in the fuck do you think you are knocking on this door when I’m in the bathroom?”   Okay, let me preface that Nicholas needed the toilet and we made our way to the public rest rooms near Starbucks.  There are approximately 20 stalls in the ladies toilet and they were all empty except the Handicapped toilet.  After five minutes of waiting, it was so quiet that I thought perhaps the door was shut with no one in there so I gently tapped on the door to see if it was open.  I was a little startled when a voice rang out saying, “What the hell is going on?”  I said, “Excuse me.  I thought it was empty.”  And so we waited.  We waited for such a long time (it felt like 20 minutes but it was probably more like 10) that I was beginning to think that I should ask whoever was in there if they needed assistance.  I could see by her feet (yes I was upside down peeping under) that there was not a wheelchair and she was at the mirror/sink.  I don’t want you to think I had my head under the stall looking up at this person;  I had been in this rest room before and I knew where the sink was located.  At this point I thought she was disabled and I knew she was alone so I was thinking that she may have had an accident, an ostomy pouch or something that was very involved that was taking so much time.  But when the door opened, I realized that she was probably putting on makeup and doing her hair.  This is a mistake that I should point out to the designers of disability stalls - the more attractive and cosy you make the stalls, the longer a person or family spends in there.  Anyway, this young woman  had her finger in my chest and I was in a very awkward position at this point because I was quite sure that Nicholas might punch this woman who was attacking his mother and I really didn’t want to find myself in a bathroom brawl.  I simply said, “Excuse me, my son needs the toilet and we have been waiting a long time.”  She pushed hard past me and headed to the sink with, “Fuck you, you fuckin’ self righteous bitch!”  I couldn’t help myself at this point.  I knew I should keep my head down and not say anything, but she had riled me.  So as I was closing the stall door (I’m not crazy), I said, “To be frank, you had your choice of 19 toilets in this rest room and you chose the only one that a disabled person can use.  I am not a fucking bitch.  I am just a mother whose son needs to go to the toilet and you were preventing him from doing that for at least 15 minutes.  Does that seem right to you?”  I shut and locked the door because I felt at this point, she may very well tear every hair out of my head.  She started screaming, “Who the fuck are you telling me where and when I can take a piss?  I can stay in there as long as I fuckin’ want to and It’s none of your goddamned business.”  Under her breath, she said, “white fuckin’ bitch, comes in here thinkin she owns the place.”  I won’t pretend.  I was a little more than shaken and at this point.   I was worried that she might wait for us outside and beat the crap out of me.   I was trying to decide what my next move should be and wondering how in the world a trip to the toilet could cause such a  ridiculous scene.  Nicholas and I took our time.  No one else had come into the rest room and I was in no hurry to leave.  We washed up and headed to the exit.  I left Nicholas behind me in his chair and I slowly opened the door and peeped out each way.  There was no one around so with as much courage as I could muster, I pushed Nicholas out and headed up the hallway to the mall floor.  As we burst out by Starbucks, I again checked both ways and didn’t see her.  Relieved, I ordered a large mocha frappe and collapsed in one of their chairs.

Arundel Mills is a huge outlet shopping mall with a fabulous Cinemark movie theater and over two miles of stores and restaurants.  This isn’t a reflection of Arundel Mills because these sorts of weird encounters into the world of toileting happen to us everywhere.  But for the moment I will tell you another bizarre moment inside the Cinemark rest room. I promise you that I have a great imagination, but I could not possibly make these moments up.   We go to the cinema at least once a month because Nicholas and I both love films.  There is only one handicapped stall in the very large rest room at the cinema here and so it is rare to be able to go in and use the toilet without waiting.  We encounter every sort of woman in the handicapped stall there.  One Saturday morning, there was a little girl about the age of six that was having a whale of a time in the stall with the toilet paper and soapy bubbles.  I’m not sure where her mother was, but this little girl was singing away and painting the walls of the the handicapped toilet.  I knocked on the door and she looked under the stall and saw a stranger looking down at her.  She crawled under the door and ran out of the rest room.  That presented a problem as the door was locked from the inside.  I am 55 and 220 lbs so I was not about to roll under the door.  I looked at Nicholas and asked if he could hold it and thankfully he said yes.  Another Saturday morning, we entered the rest room at the cinema and this time Nicholas was desperate for a pee after having  sucked down a large soda during the new Pooh movie.  I crossed my fingers that the stall would be open and as usual most of the other toilets were empty but the handicapped toilet was occupied.  I usually don’t do this, but this was an emergency so I knocked on the door and said a little frantically, “Please can you hurry.  My son is in a wheelchair and he is desperate for the toilet.”  I’m not sure whether it was Chinese or Japanese that answered me, but it was clear she didn’t understand what I had said.  As she washed her hands (which she  could have done at the sinks outside the handicapped stall (see what I mean designers), I watched the pee dripping from Nicholas’ chair.  I wanted to weep at the injustice of it all, but instead I made my way to a shop and purchased new clothes and took him to another rest room and found a place to change him.  

Maybe I need to explain what a challenge going to the toilet can be.  When Nicholas was little, taking him into the women’s rest room didn’t raise an eyebrow.  But now, Nicholas is 15 and things have changed. I have been confronted twice regarding his appearance, i.e. “this is the Ladies rest room” or “why are you bringing him in here?”. It isn’t that I take offense at what they are saying, but I don’t have a choice so there is nothing else I can do.  If he needs to go, he needs to go with me.  If my husband is with us, he goes into the men’s.  I know a wife who has a husband of 60 who is disabled by a stroke and she has the same problem.  If there is not a family rest room, he must go with her into the women’s rest room.  I’m not sure why people are offended or upset by this because we pee behind closed doors and there is nothing to be seen in a women’s rest room, unless the washing of hands can somehow be construed as sexual.  I often wonder what a dad with a young girl or handicapped young lady does in this instance because taking a girl into the men’s toilet where they openly urinate is a much more difficult issue.

I have one more Cinemark story because that is where we go to the movies most frequently.  At the movie theater, a whole family took up residence in the only disabled stall - there were six of them, one adult and five children.  We waited as each child went to the toilet, then Mom, then they all took turns washing their hands and drying them.  One little girl stepped out and saw us waiting.  She went back in and I was silly enough to think that she was going to tell her Mom that there is a wheelchair outside, but five minutes later as I saw clothes taken off and changed and shoes being switched between children, I realized that if I was going to get Nicholas to the toilet before he had an accident that I needed to find another one.  It was unbelievable.  To this day, I have no idea what that family was doing or why they felt it was okay to do it in a disabled stall which leads me to the most unusual moment waiting for the toilet.  This happened at Hollywood Studios in Disney World.  There are a few places that understand that a family handicapped rest room is essential to those mothers looking after special needs sons or fathers looking after special needs daughters.  Disney have installed several of these around their parks and it makes it so much easier now as Nicholas is getting older.  Last summer, we were coming out of the Beauty and the Beast show and Nicholas indicated that he needed the toilet.  I found on the map that there was one of these family rooms just around the corner so I headed for it.  When I got there, it was in use and we waited.  There was a lot of grunting and gutteral noises coming from the toilet - the door got hit a couple of times and I have to admit that I was expecting a frazzled parent with an autistic adult out of control to emerge.  I have had moments like this with Nicholas - where he is angry and lashing out at everything.  So I moved back a bit so that they could exit without problems.  I was lucky that Nicholas was not in serious need because I was searching my phone for another toilet after ten minutes of waiting.  Just as I was about to leave, the door lock clicked and I moved back to allow them out.  You cannot believe my astonishment when I saw a young man with his arm around this lovely young lady step out, tucking in their shirts and looking very smug and satisfied, kissing each other and giggling.  My mouth dropped open and I was lost for words.  I thought I had seen handicapped rest rooms used for everything, but this was to top the list.  Maybe it was a new badge in where you have had sex - like the “mile high club”.  I was flabbergasted.  

Most people who are not handicapped and recognize they should not be using this space, rush out and try not to look me in the eye as they exit because they know it’s wrong.  Others excuse themselves and apologize.  I just look around the myriad of stalls available and wonder, why do you choose this one?  We were waiting outside Pizza Planet’s rest room and it was empty except of course the disabled stall and we didn’t wait long, but when the door came open a mom stepped out and when she saw Nicholas, she said, “My son’s outside, he is disabled too.”  This completely confounded me because of all people in the world, she should understand how important it is to leave these stalls open for those who need them.   I totally get using the disabled stall when all the other ones are taken, but this has not been the course of my experience.  In fact, it is just the opposite.  If I am in a busy theater during intermission or at the circus, everyone makes way for the wheelchair and allows us to cut through the line in order to use the handicapped stall.  I have had ushers part the sea of people to get us through to the rest room.  People have been more than courteous in these circumstances.  That leads me to believe it is the anonymity that allows women to think it is okay to use the larger more comfortable stall when no one else is around.   In 12 years, I have only waited for a handicapped stall once and had a disabled person emerge when the door opened.  This is the truth.  We have travelled all over and it has happened only once.  I have encountered mostly young women with/without small children, kids who have come into the rest room unaccompanied, men between 20 - 40 years old and a lot of people who don’t speak English.   I know there are some people who are feeling stung right now because they have bad knees (which isn’t immediately recognizable to the onlooker).  Please know that I am not talking to you.  Of course the stall is there for everyone who has a need.  I get it.  The handicapped stall is larger and more like the bathroom at home.  But, can you imagine a disabled child dirtying their pants while waiting for a toilet.  I have been there more than once.  There are toilet stalls designated in every public bathroom for the disabled, just as there are spaces in every car park with the same symbol - a universal symbol - the wheelchair.  Not all disabled people who have access to these privileges are in a wheelchair, but these areas are clearly marked and I truly believe we all know the meaning of this symbol and its designated purpose.

I will step off my soapbox about handicapped stalls and continue to collect bizarre stories about those who use them.